Baby Williams is due in a few weeks so...
As my Christmas Day due date rapidly approaches I thought it best I say hello/goodbye from the blog because I frankly haven’t a clue how this whole pregnancy is going to pan out and knowing me this baby may make an appearance sooner rather then later.
No. I’m not in labour right now but yes, I feel heavy, I feel hormonal, I know I'm very close, and if this little guy is going to follow his sisters I wouldn't be surprised if he arrives a bit early, like late November, early December early. That's 4 weeks away. If I get to my due date I'll be amazed... let's just put it that way. So I’ve decided to just bite the bullet and put my art and blog in stand-by mode for the time being and officially take a goddamn break.
I know I could push myself and 'do it all' but from what I’ve found... that hurts me and then it hurts my family. Despite how bored I can get, despite how frustrating it can be, and the guilt and the fear of letting things go for a little while- I just can't afford to push myself right now. It wears me out and it stresses me out. Both those things make labour and recovery harder for me. And any parents amongst you know, the hardest part- bringing the baby home, is yet to come.
So I’m going to put my energy into growing this person for a few more weeks and that’s that from me. No art. No posts. No emails. The only contribution to this world I'm making right now is this baby, and I'm going to meet him in the right frame of mine- focused, relaxed and positive. Not some stressed out, over-exhausted wreck (like I know I can get).
If the situation arises where I DO feel like I’ve got the energy to post or make something, I will. I’m not banning myself. This is not 'goodbye' until March or whatever, this is goodbye until I can be bothered. So you might see some posts or sketches from me. You probably won't.
I'm definitely not one of these super mums. I’m tired, sore, and my mind is mainly focused on eating, sleeping and sitting. That's as glamorous as it gets for me, despite the amazing photoshoot we had with Gemma of Enchanted Photography who would have you all thinking otherwise!
But yeah, I shouldn't have to explain how busy these final weeks are when you're preparing for a baby, all the checkups and appointments, not to mention on top of that being a mum to two other school aged children with all their clubs and extra curricular activities. I've got to focus on several birthdays, anniversary's and of course Christmas too, which seems to smother this time of year. I'm super busy as a default anyway.
Art, work and blogging would just be a step too far right now. I'd be forcing myself to do it, rather then doing it for the love of it.
I can hear the creativity coaches amongst you gasping in horror. Yes, I know. In a perfect world I would be able to carry on as normal with art as a fundamental part of my daily life and soul, despite how I feel, despite how tired/sore/busy I am, despite only having 4 hours broken sleep, because I would use art as a wonderful way to document this time and keep myself mentally sound and positive... but... I watched my husband put up a fence today and that alone exhausted me- there's no way in hell I would even attempt to sharpen a pencil and draw. Why would I? What pleasure would I get from making myself uncomfortable and frustrated?
I did The Artist's Way with a newborn a few years ago. I pushed myself hard, thinking to be a true artist, if I really, truly loved art and writing, it would be easy. It would come naturally. But it didn't. It was HARD. I'll blog about that another day, but it was a huge ask of me at that time. Yes, I did it, but I don't intend to repeat it. I don't intend to do anything close to that ever again! I concluded that I'm an artist because I consistently come back to art making, not because I do it consistently, and sorry, but I'm just not prepared to torture myself over it.
So, in my opinion, there comes a time when even the most creative people should STOP and put their tools down if they want to. They are waiting for me once the baby is born. They are waiting for me next year. They are waiting for me on the other side of this momentous, incredibly taxing and important time of my life. This isn't about avoiding art block, or fear of not making good enough work, or procrastinating because I feel inadequate. This is simply 'I've got other priorities right now', like pasta, and I am 100% okay with that.
I love art. I love blogging. I've been doing this for decades now- both before and after having children. I will be back.
But only when it's a pleasure and not a chore.